Chapter 5 Conflict Starts in the Heart

Linda helped us to understand the heart and its role in conflict with the following message:

James 4:1-3—What causes fights and quarrels among you?  Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?  You want something but don’t get it.  You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want.  You quarrel and fight.  You do not have, because you do not ask God.  When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.

This passage helps us to understand that the root cause of conflict is unmet desires in our hearts.  When we want something and feel that we will not be satisfied unless we get it, that desire starts to control us.  If others fail to meet our desires, we sometimes condemn them in our hearts and fight harder to get our own way and the progression continues.

 The progression of an idol

 I desire:  When we let our desires push God from his rightful first place in our lives, we have begun to worship another god. Instead of letting the Lord reign as the King of our lives, we allow our wants to dominate us.  Whatever it is we desire, we don’t just wish for it a little bit.  We want it now, we want it in extreme quantities, and we want it however we can get it.  In fact, we want it more than we want God.  This is idolatry.

 I demand:  So how do you know when a desire has become an idol in your life?  It’s when your heart moves from “I desire” to “I demand”.  You might notice it in how you think—you don’t just wish for a thing, you regard it as a necessity to your happiness.  Or you can hear it in a sometimes-subtle shift in your words—you don’t just say you want something, you say you will die without it.  Or you can spot it in your actions—you don’t merely work hard to obtain something, you are willing to do wrong to get it.  Your heart has moved from “great to have it” to “got to have it”.

 I judge:  When an idol rules our hearts, our reasonable desires turn into unruly demands.  When our demands consume us, we move further down the path of idolatry.  We begin to judge other people.  When someone fails to satisfy us and falls short of our expectations, often the first thing we do is criticize them.  Or outright condemn them.  God alone has the right to declare human beings guilty—or not guilty—so when we condemn others for not giving us what we want, we try to take God’s place, just like the devil does. 

 I punish:   Idols always demand sacrifices.  When someone fails to satisfy our expectations, our idol says he should suffer.  Whether deliberately or unconsciously, we find ways to hurt people so that they cave in to our desires.  We might lash out with our tongues, shoot dirty looks, pout, start rumors, split friendships, or resort to physical or sexual violence.  When we catch ourselves punishing others in any way, we know that something other than God rules us.  It’s a sure sight that an idol owns your hearts.

God’s cure for an idolatrous heart:   If you want to squeeze the idols out of your heart and leave no room for them to return, make it your top priority to aggressively pursue and all-consuming worship of the living God.  Ask him to teach you how to fear, trust, and delight in him more than anything in this world.  The more you aim your heart at him, the less need you will feel to find happiness, fulfillment, or security in anything the world provides.  You will toss away your idols, cling to God, and experience him more and more.

Chapter 4 Is This Really Worth Fighting Over?

Will delivered the following outline to help us in our understanding of how to evaluate our own role in a conflict before moving forward:

Matt. 7:5     Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye.(KJV)

Get the log out: Before going after others’ problems get your house in order. Ask this question: Is it really worth fighting for?
1. Don’t correct prematurely without self-examination
2. Learn to define the issue
3. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Before you asked Him he gave his life for you.
4. In everything give thanks. Even the situation you’re in.
5. You won’t win as a peacemaker by being right. The witness to all will be your gentleness.
6. Before getting into conflict count the cost against forgiveness and ask yourself “Is it really worth it”?
7. Will going into conflict in this situation glorify God or is forgiveness a more God honoring approach?
   If you want to learn more about these principles and have success in relationships read and apply the book Peacemaker.

Chapter 3 Trust in the Lord and Do Good

Kristin used a Bible search on the Internet to determine that the word “peace” appears in the NIV 247 times and in the KJV 420 times. The word “trust” appeast in the NIV 164 times and in the KJV 188 times.

We often “size” people up before we decide to trust them. An illustration comparing various sizes of socks, including those of an infant, a toddler, a woman, and a man, gives us the opportunity to imagine how big God’s socks might be. Someone who sees all people at all times and is in all places at all times might have REALLY big socks, don’t you think? So then why do we not trust God as much as we should? The Bible tells us multiple times that we should trust God with everything…never once telling us to trust other humans more than we trust Him.

God is sovereign and in control of every aspect of each of our lives.

Psalm 37: 1-9

1 Do not fret because of evil men
       or be envious of those who do wrong;

 2 for like the grass they will soon wither,
       like green plants they will soon die away.

 3 Trust in the LORD and do good;
       dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.

 4 Delight yourself in the LORD
       and he will give you the desires of your heart.

 5 Commit your way to the LORD;
       trust in him and he will do this:

 6 He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,
       the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

 7 Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;
       do not fret when men succeed in their ways,
       when they carry out their wicked schemes.

 8 Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
       do not fret—it leads only to evil.

 9 For evil men will be cut off,
       but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land.

How do we grow our trust and learn to rely on Him? Through prayer…asking Him continuously to help us to trust Him for all things.

Chapter 2 Live at Peace

Jim shared Chapter 2,  the heart of our studies, the chapter on peace.

What is peace? Think of synonyms  or phrases for the word peace. You can also answer by saying what peace is not:

harmony, agreement accord, amity, armistice, cessation, conciliation, concord, friendship, love, neutrality, order, pacification, pacifism, reconciliation, treaty, truce, unanimity, union, unity, the absence of war, SIN

Antonyms—

agitation, distress, frustration, upset, worry, at war.

God wants us to live in peace.  Romans 12:18 says: if it is  possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. You know that Jesus said that the greatest commandment was to love God and to love each other. In order to do that you must be at peace.

How can we achieve peace? First we must have peace with God. During the Civil War Ulysses S. Grant was given it a nickname based on his first two initials. He was called Unconditional Surrender Grant. He was called this because after each battle he won he would not accept surrender from the enemy unless it was unconditional. During World War II, victory was not achieved  until the Axis Powers agreed to unconditional surrender to the Allies.

In order to  have peace with God we must unconditionally surrender to Him. As an old hymn says, “ I surrender all.”  We know that God so loved the world that he gave us his son to be sacrificed for our sins.   Believing in Jesus is not enough though. We need to confess our sins. Remember, if we confess our sins, He will be faithful and just to forgive us our sins.   Then we must walk in the Spirit. In Galatians 5:22  we learn that we are truly walking in the spirit, we will show fruit. In that fruit is that we will show love,  joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

If we truly have peace with God we will have the Spirit within us. And if we have the Spirit within us, our fruit will be displayed to others.

But peace with God is not enough because we can’t have peace with God unless you also have peace  with others. We especially need peace with  our church.  Jesus call peace  within the church, unity. In his last  prayer, he asked God to give unity to his disciples and to us.  He specifically asked for unity for those who would follow.  He asked for and for those who will believe the message passed on by the disciples.

Why must we maintain unity within the church? We have to in order to glorify God and Jesus. How can we show others  our   faith is real if we are constantly squabbling? Jesus even said that he doesn’t want our sacrifices unless we have reconciled ourselves with our brothers And sisters. God asks us to confess our sins to each other so that we can reconcile. We must go to our brother, our sister,  our wives, our children, our parents, admit what we have done wrong and ask for forgiveness.  If we harmed someone in public, in the eyes of others, then  our request for forgiveness  must be public as well.

If we look at peace as the absence of sin, we can better understand what we need to do to be in unity with our brothers and sisters. We can’t share our peace with the world unless we first have unity among ourselves. And we have to remember, if peace among ourselves is not sufficient, we need to spread peace with all the world.

Finally, God wants us to have peace within ourselves. Sometimes this is the hardest piece to achieve. It can only be achieved, when we truly surrender and follow God’s plan for lives. Wednesday night in men’s group part of our discussion centered around following God’s plan. We often question God, are you sure this is what you want from me? We know it’s foolish, we know that we cannot have perfect peace until we get back on his path for us, but we still want to exercise our free will in a way that leads us astray.

We can only find that path through our study of the Bible, both by ourselves, and with others, and through opening our hearts to God’s will for  each of us through prayer.

At our last congregational transition task force  meeting,   Pastor Dale asked each of us to think about what peace would be for each of us if he could grant us peace. I want to pass that on to each one of you this week. Think about what peace means to you. How can you achieve this true peace?

Chapter 1 Conflict Provides Opportunities

The Peacemaker is another lens through which we read our Bibles and gain a better understanding of God’s word. With that in mind, Kristin illustrated the three sections of the Slippery Slope using incidents which occurred in the life of the Old Testament’s David. David had God’s blessing yet like us, he struggled to get peacemaking right.

Peacefaking occurs when people choose to run away from a conflict rather than face it head on and try to resolve it in a healthy manner, also known as an escape response. The example of David running from Saul after Saul threw a spear at him with the intent to kill is an extreme example (see 1 Samuel 19:9-10) and no one is advocating that you stand your ground if your life is in danger. However, since David chooses to go into hiding rather than seek help with Saul, his situation illustrates perfectly what happens when we avoid conflict. David left his family and friends to hide in caves not for a little while, but a long time, while Saul looked high and low for him. The conflict with Saul was always in the back of David’s mind since each day could be the day Saul found him and ended his life. This is certainly not peace.

Moving up the Slippery Slope from the left after peacefaking we encounter peacemaking. The moment in David’s life where he gets this peacemaking right is described beautifully in 1 Samuel 24. Still hiding in a cave, David hears that Saul and his men are nearby. David moves into the darkness to wait. Behold, Saul, who needs to relieve himself (yes, this is in the Bible, read it for yourself!) enters the exact cave where David is hiding and believing he is alone, does his stuff. While he is indisposed, David’s companions rally around him trying to convince him that the Lord has delivered Saul into his hands and that David should deliver a fatal blow. Rather, David cuts a small piece of Saul’s garment and follows him out of the cave to confront him:

⁹ He said to Saul, “Why do you listen when men say, ‘David is bent on harming you’? ¹⁰This day you have seen with your own eyes how the LORD delivered you into my hands in the cave. Some urged me to kill you, but I spared you; I said, ‘I will not lift my hand against my master, because he is the LORD’s anointed.’ ¹¹ See, my father, look at this piece of your robe in my hand! I cut off the corner of your robe but did not kill you. Now understand and recognize that I am not guilty of wrongdoing or rebellion. I have not wronged you, but you are hunting me down to take my life. ¹² May the LORD judge between you and me. And may the LORD avenge the wrongs you have done to me, but my hand will not touch you. ¹³ As the old saying goes, ‘From evildoers come evil deeds,’ so my hand will not touch you.

 ¹⁴ “Against whom has the king of Israel come out? Whom are you pursuing? A dead dog? A flea? ¹⁵May the LORD be our judge and decide between us. May he consider my cause and uphold it; may he vindicate me by delivering me from your hand.” (NIV)

David did several things right here. First, had he killed Saul he would have eliminated any possibility of proving that he had never intended for harm to come to Saul. The conflict at hand stemmed from Saul’s jealousy and not any particular issue David had with Saul. David would have essentially become the man Saul feared had he resorted to murder. Using the cut piece of garment to prove that he intended no harm allowed David to defend himself in a more reasonable manner. David also acknowledged that Saul was anointed by God and that killing him would have been an affront to God. Being mindful of how God perceives us and our opponents is a very useful tool in conflict resolution. Finally, David recognizes that any revenge or justice that should be doled out in the situation has to come from the Lord. He places his faith in God’s ability to judge and sentence appropriately. If only we all could have such faith!

Moving down the other side of the Slippery Slope toward peacebreaking, or attack responses, however, we find that David was not always on top of his game. Like us, he could be tempted to slide away from healthy peacemaking. The best example we can think of here is the story of David, Bathsheba and poor Uriah the Hittite, told in 2 Samuel 11.  Most of us know it well: David had an affair with Bathsheba, getting her pregnant, while her husband Uriah was out fighting with David’s army. In order to cover his sin and attempt to avoid any conflict with Uriah, David has Uriah murdered and marries the widowed Bathsheba. We have to wonder here how the story would have played out if David had gone to Uriah, confessed his sin and perhaps negotiated a deal with Uriah that would have protected Bathsheba and allowed everyone to save face. However, David’s sin is made known through Nathan and Nathan rebukes David:

⁹ Why did you despise the word of the LORD by doing what is evil in his eyes? You struck down Uriah the Hittite with the sword and took his wife to be your own. You killed him with the sword of the Ammonites. ¹⁰ Now, therefore, the sword will never depart from your house, because you despised me and took the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be your own.’

 ¹¹ “This is what the LORD says: ‘Out of your own household I am going to bring calamity upon you. Before your very eyes I will take your wives and give them to one who is close to you, and he will lie with your wives in broad daylight. ¹² You did it in secret, but I will do this thing in broad daylight before all Israel.’ “

 ¹³ Then David said to Nathan, “I have sinned against the LORD.”
      Nathan replied, “The LORD has taken away your sin. You are not going to die. ¹⁴But because by doing this you have made the enemies of the LORD show utter contempt, the son born to you will die.” (2 Sam. 12:9-14 NIV)

This example illustrates that murder, an extreme response to conflict, actually creates more conflict and consequences. David’s son might have lived had his father chosen a different response. Perhaps there would have been other consequences to David’s sin with Bathsheba but we have to presume they would have been less harsh given a perceived willingness to make things right and perhaps even to repent.

We’re praying for you as you continue this peacemaking journey. Please keep these three examples in mind as you address your own conflicts and learn more about God’s plan for you through the lens of The Peacemaker.

Peacemaker Q & A

Q. Is The Peacemaker a Mennonite resource?

A. No The Peacemaker and Peacemaker Ministries are not specifically Mennonite resources though they are developed to work across and with all denominations. We chose the materials because of their strong focus on Biblical interpersonal peacemaking. We may direct you to related Mennonite resources as appropriate.

Q. I started reading the book and am intimidated by the amount of material covered. Is our summer-long study going to be long enough?

A. In a word, no, the summer will not be enough time to fully grasp the concepts introduced in The Peacemaker. We will follow-up with an in-depth 8 week video study of the material which will help but we should expect to spend the rest of our lives working to fully understand and practice Biblical peacemaking.

Q. Is the book available on CD as an audio book?

A. Yes! Order it on-line through www.peacemaker.net or your favorite book seller.

Q. I’d rather not pay the suggested donation for the book, does that mean I cannot participate in the study?

A. No! We’d like everyone who attends our church to have a copy of the book or access to one. There are copies in the church library or you may see pastor, elder or Kristin to be given a copy.

Study Schedule

We begin reading The Peacemaker and The Peacemaker, Student Edition on Sunday, June 7. Prior to June 7, obtain a copy of The Peacemaker and read the introduction. Books are available before and after church or upon request (contact Kristin at 442-5413).

Please continue to pray for the group study, asking that our minds be opened and our hearts touched. If necessary, call on our Lord for the motivation and time to commit to reading The Peacemaker and the referenced Bible passages.

June 7-13:                   Read and study Chapter 1

June 14-20:                Read and study Chapter 2

June 21-27:                Read and study Chapter 3

June 28-July 4:         Read and study Chapter 4

July 5-11:                   Read and study Chapter 5

July 12-18:                Read and study Chapter 6

July 19-25:               Read and study Chapter 7

July 26-Aug. 1:        Read and study Chapter 8

Aug. 2-8:                   Read and study Chapter 9

Aug. 9-15:                 Read and study Chapter 10

Aug. 16-22:              Read and study Chapter 11

Aug. 23-29:              Read and study Chapter 12

Congratulations! You have finished The Peacemaker. Take the time to read the appendices and additional material, if you haven’t already.

Please consider joining us a for a small group video study of the material where we will go deeper on some of the basic Peacemaker concepts. The study will run for 8 weeks beginning the week of September 13, 2009. More details will follow. If you are interested in leading a small group, please let Kristin know.

 * Each chapter will be overviewed at our Sunday worship service during the Peacemaker Moment. The overview and additional information will be available on this Peacemaker Ministry Blog found through our church site: http://www.ccamchurch.org/. Check there weekly and feel free to post questions and comments for discussion.

Books have been ordered…

We are expecting our book order to arrive in the next few days so we will begin book distribution on Sunday, May 24. Suggested donations for the books are $12 for the regular version and $10 for the student (youth)edition.

Feel free to start reading as soon as you get the book and read the whole thing if you feel like it. The only suggestion is that you then re-read a chapter each week so as to be fresh for the Sunday morning Peacemaker Moments. The information in the book is deep and sometimes a bit heavy to get through, which is why we are taking 6 months to complete this study! Do not be discouraged and pray that the Lord reveals to you all that you need to become a peacemaker.

If you are inspired particularly by a certain part of the book, please share that here or with Kristin so that we can use it to provide encouragement to others.

Embarking on a wonderful journey

What to expect
Together as a church we will be studying The Peacemaker by Ken Sande this summer. We will read the 12 chapters in 12 weeks with a summarizing Peacemaker Moment each Sunday, beginning in June. An 8-week, in-depth small group video study and sermon series focusing on the peacemaking principles discussed in the book will follow in September through November. These materials are produced through Peacemaker Ministries (www.HisPeace.org). We’ll be learning the language of peacemaking through Ken Sande’s interpretation of scripture. He has developed steps we can use to assess conflict, ourselves, our opponents and God’s will…the effect is life changing!

How we got here
This is an exciting time for our church. Later this month we will welcome a new pastor and his family after a unanimous affirmation vote. Praise God! And now, we are embarking on the peacemaker study, which is a program church leadership has been considering for several years. The Congregational Transitional Taskforce brought it to Council for a vote in March and we were given affirmation to move ahead. Our new pastor is on board with this decision and will help us moving forward.

Additional thoughts
Sometimes Christians think that peace is the absence or avoidance of conflict; however, this is an inaccurate or incomplete view of peace. In Romans 12:18 Paul says, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” This suggests that peace requires our participation and results from decisions we make. The Peacemaker materials will help us to learn a language of peace that will help us to communication with others and resolve conflicts in a loving manner, with God’s Holy Word as our ultimate guide.

Please pray
As we prepare to work through this material and draw nearer to our  Lord (and one another!) through a study of His word and principles, please be in prayer for the process and the important messages we are certain to receive. The staff at Peacemaker Ministries has already begun to pray for our church and is standing beside us as we embark on this wonderful journey.